Blonde Jokes 

Weight Loss Program
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

Blonde and the horse
There is this dumb blonde who likes animals and is kind of afraid of horses. She still likes horses so she decides to overcome her fear. So one day she hops on a horse and the horse starts gallopping amd won't stop. She starts to get a little afraid and the horse won't stop. So everybody is watching and doesn't know what to do. So she grabs its leg and the horse still won't stop. Then she decides to jump but her foot gets stuck in the stirrup. So she is bouncing on the ground and doesn't know what to do. Then the Wal-Mart manager comes running out and pulls the plug out of the socket and saves her.

6:00 News
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Speeding Ticket
A blonde is pulled over for speeding. 
Cop: "Can I see your drivers license please?" 
Blonde: "What's that?" 
Cop: "It's that card with your picture on it." 
Blonde: "Oh! Right here." 
Cop: "Your registration." 
Blonde: "What's that?" 
Cop: "It's those papers saying that this is your car." 
Blonde: "Oh! Here you go." 
The the cop takes his dick out of his pants. 
Blonde: "Oh-no! not another breathalyzer test!"

Locked Out
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Rubber
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

Police Chase
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over ninety miles an hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The blonde turned
around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Shit," cursed the brunette.
"Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

Blonde Paint Job
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left. He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man. The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly. "It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

Gynoclogist
Nancy, a blonde, goes to the gynecologist and he examines her. He says, "You have acute vaginitis." She says, "Thank you."

Engine Trouble
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left." Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left." An hour later the Captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left." One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Firing Squad
Three ladies were captured by the Russian Government; A blonde, a redhead, and a Burnett. The firing squad was about to shoot the redhead when she said "Tornado!", the squad turned and she got away. The firing squad was about to shoot the Burnett when she said "Hurricane!", the squad turned and she got away. The blonde was next and she looked ahead, pointed, and said "Fire!", so the squad sot her.

Blondes working on a house
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"