Man Jokes

Q How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Who knows; they never get the house 

Q What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
A There both empty from the neck up.  

Q What do you call a man with half a brain?  Gifted.

Q How does a man take a bubble bath?   He eats beans for dinner.

Q What's a man's idea of foreplay?   A half hour of begging.

Q How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?   He's breathing.

Q What's the difference between men an government bonds?   Bonds mature.

Q What is the thinnest book in the world? 
A  "What Men Know About Women"

Q How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A One ... men will screw anything.

Q How do you save a man from drowning?
A  Take your foot off his head.

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A  They are both empty from the neck up.

Q How can you tell if a man is happy?
 A Who cares?

Q What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
 A Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A  E.T. phoned home.

Q What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A  A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Q What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
A One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q What did God say after creating man?
A I can do better.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A  We don't know .... it's never happened.

Q How are men and parking spots alike?
A  The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Q How is a man like a snowstorm?
A  Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get,
  and how long it'll stay.

Q Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
 A He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Q Why are men like laxatives?
A  They irritate the shit out of you.

Q What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A  A man's undivided attention.

Q What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  1. No mind. 2. No business.

Q Why are men like blenders? AYou need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Q Why do men name their penises?
A Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who
  makes all their decisions.

Q Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
 A Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
A  He had it bronzed.

Q How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the
  stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
  A padded headboard.

Q How do men sort their laundry?
 A "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

Q Why do men like masturbation?
A It's sex with someone they love.

Q-When is a man as smart as a woman
A-When he is plugged in to one.   

Q- How come men never sink in water?
A- Shit floats.

Q What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
 A The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q Why did God create man?
 A Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q What is the difference between men and pigs? 
A Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q Husband: "Want a quickie?"
A Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Q Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
A Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. Because there were no women on his side