|
| |
-
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.
-
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to
make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that
extra snow to make its testicles.
-
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
-
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
- "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of
jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
- I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have
I failed?
- I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How
about the kitchen?"
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at
picking out clothes.
- My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week,
we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I
go Fridays.
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.
- My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
-
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
-
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're
married.
-
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.
-
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt
gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
-
Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any.
-
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly
painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
- All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores
went under.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then
she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
- My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a
week.
- My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the
hood.
- Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
- Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to
aim it.
- My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over
and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be
late, everyone is all coming back!"
- My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
- My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea.
- My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!
- She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump
in!"
- What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single
40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man
thinks often about dating them.
- Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.
- While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds
of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
- I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car
in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
- My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get
married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature
handcuffs....."
-
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the
penises off the smart ones.
-
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
-
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go
back to childhood, he's already there.
-
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
-
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always
miss them.
-
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
-
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
-
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
-
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
-
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What
do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
-
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
-
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power
goes off.
-
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
-
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger)
is 9 inches.
-
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble
finding a bar.
-
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
|
